Autistic meltdowns are Not temper tantrums

On the subject of "meltdowns" and why an autism diagnosis is so helpful. (See also National Autistic Society)

Meltdowns are Not temper tantrums.

Let me repeat that, because it is So important to understand: Meltdowns are Not temper tantrums.

But they look like temper tantrums, right?

Sure they fucking do (to begin with). And an autistic child is equally capable of either. And that's a clue as to why, without a diagnosis, without going on a journey of understanding, without becoming connected to other parents who "get it"; who can share often near identical experiences, it is so hard to tell.

But think on this: how often does a neuro-typical kid have temper tantrums, and at what ages?

Terrible twos? Becoming less beyond that? From perhaps frequent, to weeks, months apart, maybe never, once a kid has started school? As a child learns more about themselves and how they fit into the social environment, they learn the norms of behaviour and adapt to them. Yay!

Meltdowns are Not temper tantrums.

Meltdowns happen when an autistic person is so overwhelmed that they lose behavioural control. And you can't and mustn't try to handle them like temper tantrums.

But Why are they overwhelmed?

Well, that's a whole other topic.

But for now consider the "spoon theory", i.e. we all have say 12 spoons of energy/power to do tasks in a day, including basic things like brushing teeth, which for me might take up just 1 spoon, or probably a fraction of a spoon.

A neurotypical person might get through the day and use up all their spoons, or not, or maybe they extend themselves a bit and end up running on empty, or shattered. But maybe a Mars bar or a coffee and, hey, we got ouselves a spoon extension...

An autistic, however, may find that brushing their teeth takes up 2 spoons. The sensory triggers alone - something in their mouth, sensation of brushing, taste of toothpaste - could be abhorrent to them (sensory trigger), let alone the anxiety caused by knowing they have to do this task soon, and how that anxiety may ramp up in the moments (minutes, hours even) in the build up to it (anxiety trigger).

As an analogy, think how you might feel having to strip naked and get into a bath full of tarantulas for 3 minutes twice a day.
If you hate spiders (your sensory trigger), you might see how this repetitive twice daily task might do your fucking swede in, huh? It might cause anxiety, mental fatigue, and much more.

Each autistic person is different, and has a unique set of triggers. But most go through the day encountering many triggers that quickly use up all their spoons. Those triggers are often sensory, but very hard to spot or understand are the many triggers in seemingly ordinary social interactions, and places like Schools double down with extra demands for them to focus on cognitive tasks and learning.

As a parent, once you understand that meltdowns are Not temper tantrums, you can start tracking back from meltdowns to what were the triggers, and how to avoid them (the tarantulas!) or manage them (brushing teeth).

We're still looking for the right toothpaste, by the way :-)

Autism diagnosis is a Way Forward not a "way out"

I have seen a lot of frustrated responses from parents of autistic kids to recent national newspaper articles suggesting there is "over-diagnosis" of autism these days, that a diagnosis is a "way out" for middle-class parents from "taking responsibility for their own failings", that they see the autism "label" as a "badge of honour".

Hmmm...

As I see it, a diagnosis is a "way forward". A signpost to getting the right information to understand and help a child, and access to support networks (generally charity-funded or just other parents).

Historically ASD, and other forms of neuro-diversity, have been chronically Under-diagnosed with sometimes significant consequences - there are recent studies showing strong links between undiagnosed ASD and a range of mental illnesses, depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, and consequent suicide rates.

There is a high incidence - currently - of middle-aged adult diagnoses, which for many concerned is often described as something akin to finally being given the picture for the jigsaw puzzle instead of just a box full of the pieces.

As for "responsibility". Fuck. Me. Carrie Grant's blog mentions the daily micro-adjustments required to manage a child with autism. That's true, but also understates the situation of many. Many parents are constantly *on their knees* with fatigue, desperation and despair, often with zero support from traditional family/other networks.

Right now, we're feeling ok. *I* say OK, but I'm not at the sharp end. Mrs T gets that. She's the one at home today with half-term resonsibilities... etc.

Noah is generally settled right now. He is attending school. The major meltdowns are currently not daily. But everything remains "a process". Things take time. A lot of time. And patience. Major meltdowns are avoided by those micro adjustments, that patience, that time. The diagnosis has been central for us as parents gradually retraining ourselves, our outlook. Far from avoiding responsibilities, a diagnosis is helping us meet them.

(Oh, and btw, by "major meltdown" I include things like spending up to a couple of hours shouting, screaming, crying, punching, making holes in walls, throwing dining room chairs at parents, writing rude words in marker pen on bedroom walls and ceiling, jumping up and down on a bedroom floor so hard that debris falls from the ceiling into the room below... I could go on... both parents have bruises - physical and mental, generally all the time - to prove it.)

It feels hard work right now, but it's been far worse. We also know other parents whose kids were doing ok at primary school but are now so full of anxiety and issues (at school) that they're struggling to attend ... At. All... Not just days, but often months and years not at school.

So when someone says parents are wearing an autism diagnosis as a badge of honour, they need to take a long hard look at themselves and the prejudice and misconceptions that inform that viewpoint. Sure parents celebrate their kids' strengths, often a result of that neuro- diversity, and why shouldn't they?

Autism isn't the badge of honour, it's the unique abilities, sensitivities and character of a child. Any child. All children.